Why Assertive Communication is Your Super Power

In a previous blog post, I discussed the three ego states adults use to communicate: the parent state, the child state, and the adult state. I equated the adult state of communication to assertive communication.

Why is assertiveness essential at work and in your life in general?

The truth is that most people don’t consciously think about their method or style of interacting with others. We tend to just do it based on how we might be feeling at the time. However, I believe there are great benefits to making direct and conscious choices and decisions about how we communicate with others, especially if we want satisfying and rewarding relationships with our colleagues at work, our family, and friends.

So, why should we aim for assertiveness when communicating with others? Even if a colleague or a family member is using parent or child communication with you, why should you always respond back in the adult state? Let me give you five reasons:

1. Results-Oriented Communication: Assertive communication is results-oriented. We are not trying to score points or make ourselves better than the other person. We see ourselves as equals. We might disagree about the way something is done, but we are trying to get a result, not score points.
2. Reduced Need for Control: When you use assertive communication, you feel less need to control others. When we are angry and yell at someone, call them names, and put them down, we do this because we feel out of control and believe that by yelling or getting angry, we are controlling the situation. Unfortunately, the opposite is true.
3. Open-Minded Listening: Being assertive allows us to listen and see the other person’s point of view. That doesn’t mean we have to agree, but it does mean we are listening with an open heart and mind. Listening this way provides the opportunity to learn something we didn’t know before. You can’t always be right, and if you think you are, you’re probably communicating from a parent state. Listen with your heart and try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Even if you still disagree with your colleague, express it in a way that doesn’t put them down.
4. Confidence and Calmness: Assertive communication helps us feel confident and not anxious. When others try to bully or put us down, they are doing so because they are fearful and not in control of their own emotions. This behaviour is usually a manifestation of the parent state.
5. Equal Value on Others: Assertive communication places as much value on the other person and their thoughts and expressions as on our own. When people know that you are a fair person, a good listener willing to consider both sides of the story, they will respect you even more and want to engage with you. Others will realise that you’re not an easy pushover, but nor are you a hard nut to crack.

I encourage you to practice being assertive. Listen, ask questions, honestly consider the other person’s point of view. Even if your instant reaction is to reject what the other person is saying or to get upset, pause and listen. Saying something like, “Can you help me understand that a bit more?”, will do wonders to improve your listening skills and your feelings of being in control by becoming more assertive.